I started this blog 2-1/2 years ago with great intentions. I lost 80 lbs. Then... what happened?? I started falling back into my old eating habits and eating out all the time. I started gaining weight. I had to buy new pants. I started getting depressed because I had to buy new pants. I gained a little more. I tried to rally myself, but only put a half-hearted effort into it. Failed. Vicious cycle, rinse, repeat.

I finally got the chance to meet John, you'd think HEY! Goal! Right? Honestly, despite the name of the blog, the goal was never John. And by the time I finally got to meet him I'd gained 35-40 lbs back. I couldn't talk about ME. How embarrassing! Inside, all I kept thinking was,  I'm a failure. So I talked about other people, and it felt good. Right somehow. I don't regret one second of it. A few weeks after that, Chad finagled the story of BHG out of me. I told him I'd lost 80 lbs (which IS true) and he seemed so amazed. And I felt like such a sham. Sure, I'd done it. But I hadn't kept it off, I'd gained a bunch back. Just call me Captain Sham. (the E on the end is silent)

Despite all that, and feeling like a miniature whale AND even seeing the ginormous fat roll under my chin in my pic with John, I continued to slide. Just buy another pair of pants. Another shirt. Dig out the old coat. When I had initially started bagging up all my "fat" clothes I remember my mom said, "Oh! Don't throw it all away! You might need it!" At the time I was sort of pissed off. How could she have such a lack of faith in me? *ahem* (sorry, Mom)

I haven't gained it ALL back. I'm still down about 30 lbs. Thank God for small favors, I guess. But right this moment, I feel even bigger than I did when I started.

I watched the season finale of "Biggest Loser" tonight. I cried when I watched it, the condensed version of the season. Everyone's story summed up in a 2 minute photo and video montage. I saw people who weigh what I weigh right now start their journey, and do well. And in that 2 minute montage, I felt their pain. Their joy. That feeling of accomplishment, knowing you CAN do anything you set your mind to do. ANYTHING. All you have to do is one small thing: believe in yourself.

Except, believing in yourself can be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

Believe in yourself. These days, I have to remind myself of that. It doesn't come as naturally as it once did. I keep trying to find that little sparkle, that certain something that got me motivated to do it all in the first place. I'll be damned if I can remember where I set it down. It's around here somewhere... Let's see, I think I put it over...no, no I moved it last summer. I think I may have placed it under here. Hmmm. No, it must be over there. Right under this pile of books, I'm certain of ... nope, not there either. It's got to be where ever I stored my sense of humor. I'm pretty sure they're together...

Over the past year, everything feels like it's gotten so serious. Like I'm some sort of jackass for trying to make a joke. It's like every time I try to find a little ray of sunshine, a little laughter, something else comes along to whack me in the back of the head. To the point where I'm ready to scream, "Enough already!" For every step I take forward, it's another two steps back. I have two black eyes and a cut lip, but I think I'm about ready to come out swinging. Finally.

Everyone has to fight their demons alone, no matter how many people are there to hold your hand while you're doing it. I'm a really lucky girl, I have a lot of really amazing people ready to hold my hand when I need it. I probably have a better support network than most AA groups. Like I said, I'm a lucky girl. And I'm going to do this. I have Determination. With a big D.

Which brings me back to watching "Biggest Loser" tonight as I sat on the couch...eating Chipotle and munching on chips. (Yes, I get the irony.) Watching those 2 minute montages really hit home, you know? I've been there, done that. I KNOW I can do it. Again. Tomorrow night I'm going to watch "The Secret" again, I haven't watched it in a long while. It's one of the things that got me started last time. Well, that and a certain curly-haired musician who happens to be even dorkier than myself. (and some of you thought that wasn't possible) Oh! Hey! Look! He's still around, how about that?  Well that's handy.

So yes, I'm still fat. It's a work in progress. And I think it's about time the progress started up again.

(Oh, John Mayer, you poor, poor bastard.)

And to further humiliate myself, I'm posting the FULL version of the pic of me and John. 800 chins, weird arm fat lump and all.

Quit standing there looking so skinny, John. You're making me look fa...oh. Wait. Nevermind.