Update of Sorts
I know I haven't posted a blog in a really long time. In fact, since the beginning of December when my friend Jessica came to visit. I guess I just haven't been in the mood to blog. Of course, I've probably written about 8 dozen of them in my head since then, it's just that none of them ever made it this far.
I lost my Grama right before New Years, on December 30th. I can't say it was completely unexpected, after all she was in her mid-90's and had had heart failure for years. All the same, it was sort of shocking to me. She apparently had a massive heart attack and dropped dead in her kitchen. That's not exactly the way you want to see a loved one go. When my Grandfather (other side of the family) died last summer, it was a little more peaceful and we had more time to say good-bye. I didn't get to say good-bye to Gram, although I had just seen her a few days before, kissed her on her cheek and told her I loved her.
In many ways, I see her in myself. Something that both terrifies me and makes me proud. I remember her being terribly mean when I was a kid. My Grampa and I were very close before he died and I can honestly say there was a point when he was my best friend in the whole world. Maybe she was jealous of that, I'll never know for sure. It wasn't until I was much older that I really came to appreciate her, and love her. I've often thought I had her wit. Muriel had a very sharp sense of humor, very dry, very intelligent and quite often smart-assed. I loved that about her. One-liners that would often make me laugh or smile.
I miss her more than I ever thought I would.
Grief is a strange thing. One minute you can be fine, thinking of a good memory that makes you smile. The next minute it's clawing at your throat and the tears are pressing at the backs of your eyes. I've come to realize that no matter the circumstances, when you lose someone there's inevitably regrets. You always sort of wish for that one last chance to tell that person good-bye, tell them that you love them, tell them that you'll remember them for forever. "By the time I recognize this moment... this moment will be gone. But I will bend the light, always pretending, that it somehow lingered on."
This is a photo of her and my Grampa.
In some ways, I think I look a lot like her, but I have more of my Grampa's eyes.
For now, I'm trying to content myself with thoughts of the cruise, going to Cabo and seeing so many of my friends in March. Frankly, it just can't come soon enough. This winter has felt even colder and snowier than usual and it's kind of gotten me down. So, I've been trying to get back on the diet wagon, but it's a slow and hard process that I think deserves it's own blog.
I'll leave this one dedicated to Muriel. One day, I want to write the story of her life. When I'm ready, I'll pick up all the journals she left me and sort through them. Apparently, I get my urge to write from her as well.
Wow, do you ever look like her! And how handsome is your Grampa.. i relate to this blog so much. I just do believe that with intention, all of what is in our hearts will be heard. Send some love out there and wait for the calm inside to assure you that your love's been received by your Gram.. and yea.. have a blast in CABO!
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Hey girl! Beautifully written
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I'm so sorry about your grandmother. It's understandable that you needed to mourn and that you will continue. You really do look like your grandmother. But your eyes sparkle a bit more. Your grandparents were a beautiful couple. Even though you haven't been feeling the whole blog thing I hope you continue. Have a great Valentines Day.
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Oh and have fun on the cruise! It will be such a treat for you to get out of the cold Minnesota weather. Have fun!
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